It's been one full week since it happened, and now only one more week until Jack comes back home. Rian comes back in two days while Zach comes back a few days after him.
I've spent half of this week in my bed staring at the ceiling, not even attempting to play guitar, to call anyone - not even Jack - and I've hardly been eating.
The other half of this week I've spent with Thomas. I just sat there talking to him about everything. It's better than going to a physiatrist or keeping a journel lying around. Knowning my luck someone will be bound to find it.
I want to tell Jack about what happened the moment he comes back home, I oh so terribly do.
He'll never speak to me again if I told him. I'd lose him.
I can't tell him, I just can't. It would destroy him, it would destroy me too.
I have to tel someone and I know the only two people that I can truly rely on are Rian and Zach.
I carefully picked up my phone like I was either too fragile to pick it up or it was too fragile to be picked up.
My hands were shaking as I typed:
Rian, something terrible has happened. I need to talk to you the moment you get hom, asap.
Hope you're enjoying your holiday!
Once I hit send I rolled over to lie on my stomach and awaited his reply.
It was at least three hours until Rian replied to my message. All of his messages consisted of the usual questions:
Are you okay? What happened? You're not in hospital are you? Oh my god did you get attacked by a squirrel?
Well the last one was not a usual question but you get the drift.
The only thing I could reply to him was telling him that I'll tell him when he gets home. And now I believe that he's trying to persuade his parents to let him come home a day early.
Levi's even been trying to call me and text me. Nearly all of his texts hinting were hinting that he would like me to come over and do it again which made me physically sick. Every time he calls me I throw my phone to the other side of the room in hopes it would stop.
The only thought flowing through my mind the past week was:
How am I going to tell Jack?
I can't just say hey Jack guess what I just did while you were away, I slept with Levi. And I can't just blurt it out to him on a random occasion especailly infront of Rian or Zach. I don't want to argue with Jack infront of both of them.
The only people that know about it is myself and Levi and soon Rian. I'll tell Zach when he gets back home but as for Jack.
Well I'm petrified of telling him.
I've been thinking about so many outcomes that could happen when I tell him and all of them I've cried so much at.
One was where I didn't tell him until we were in our 20's and the band was doing great and he left because of me.
Another was when I told him when he got home and he moves back to Canada never to speak to me again.
Then the last one, the one I believe was the worse; I told him and he took his own life. I couldn't stop crying for the rest of the night.
I didn't sleep one wink that night. I couldn't and I refused to.
"Alex? Are you feeling any better?" It was my dad. It's usually my mom that comes in and does the whole checking up on me sort of thing.
"A bit dad, thanks for asking." I mumbled to him, turning over onto my side facing away from the door.
"What's wrong with you son? It's not usual of you to sulk around and spend the whole week in bed." He came into the room now, I felt him sit at the edge of the bed near my feet. "Did something happen between you and Jack?"
I jumped up and faced him. "Why do you just assume that something happened between me and Jack?!" I snapped at him.
"No need to snap, I was only asking a question."
I sighed. "I'm sorry dad, I shouldn't have snapped at you, it's just-"
"You miss him I get it, that's the theory your mother has thought of anyway." He patted my shoulder.
"Yeah, I miss him, that's all dad." I lied. I'm lying to him through my teeth. My own dad.
"Okay son," He stood up from the bed and made his way out of the door. "Dinner will be ready soon."
"Dad!" I was ready to at least tell him what happened.
"Yes?" He stood at the door way.
I can't do it, I can't tell him. "Nothing, forget about it. Love you."
"Love you too." He let out a chuckle before heading out the door and down the stairs.
I lay back down on my bed and screamed into a pillow, wishing this was all a dream.
One more day until Rian comes home, I'm getting more scared of telling him than ever. I don't even have a plan or any idea on how I'm going to tell him. All I know is that I'm most likely going to burst into tears as I tell him and beg him not to tell Jack, as I want to be the person that tells him.
Then I'll tell Zach and probably do the exact same thing.
But why did I have to do it, dear god why did I have to do such a stupid thing?!
And why with Levi?
I was hoping that my first time would be with Jack, now it's just been taken away from me like it didn't matter to me at all.
Why? Why did it it have to be this way?